Tuesday, November 11, 2008

confession = remembrance: joy. love. faithfulness.

I realize that many of my previous posts indicate the intense struggles that I have had before and with God - as I learn to surrender my life, and learn to work with Him as He transforms my life for His purposes. I will not shy away from describing it as 'intense struggle', for it has indeed been that. At the same time it is such a gracious journey and I am filled with His joy at the same time. These two facts seem contradictory, but it is rather more a paradox, and truly beautiful the work that He does in the way that He does.
I have found myself considering the first of the greatest commandments given by Christ, "And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." (Mark 12:30, ESV). How increadibly profound is this, and profoundly impossible for anyone to acheive - truly. I continually come up wanting in my capacity to live in this way, and yet here is the command - in black and white, in words - sounds, that break silence: God is the goal that I press on toward with Christ as my strength , guide and motivation. It is an entirely unfeasible venture by any other way. I have, only to my frustration (though my pride fools me into thinking I might have a chance at glory), tried many other ways.
It is beautiful, that in God, there is the capacity to live and love beyond oneself - to be faithful to infinite commands, though they were made by One who is beyond our comprehension and who is beyond our capacity to be faithful to.
Despite my conviction, it seems I am continually in the habit of forgetting this and thus in the habit of living contrary to this. I hate that part of myself, and I really do sometimes wish that I would be delivered from stumbling around - to me this seems to be the 'perfect solution'; that I might be a more effective reflection of the God that I truly love then. This only seems reasonable to me, and likely many others I imagine. My intellect however is quickly put in check but Scripture, for just like our bodies, our minds have limits to understanding Infinite Wisdom. This is a threshold of understanding that I find myself at again and again - but, God has proven Himself trustworthy time and again - He will reveal to me the understanding of such things when I am sufficiently changed to understand them properly, and if such understanding is beneficial to His work. For now, my youthful inability to understand leads me to an opportunity to act in faith toward Him - not in naivete (though to some it seems this way), but in simple, true love.
May then my misteps cause me to remember my God who is unchanging and perfect. May they inspire repentence and a deeper longing to press into Him, to be transformed by Him into a woman that only His Mind could conceive.

Monday, May 05, 2008

wet peace

I can't quite describe the beauty of tears.

They're really hard for me - they don't come easily anymore... I pray for them to come, because indeed there are things in this life that deserve them - heartache and joy exist. I pray for them to come because they mean accepting weakness, loss of control and need - most of the time, I'd rather consider myself self-sufficient. I mock God in thinking I can go it alone.

Today, they came. Out of frustration with myself, with people, with circumstance, with my inability to understand infinite things - to even understand finite things for that matter. Out of repentence, because frustration has made me bitter and angry. Out of wanting to be known and know myself. Out of surrender, because I'm tired of fighting and I don't know where to go from here...

and then, peace - nothing and no one around me has changed, but it's about time that I let myself be changed.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

still here.

I'm stuck. it's time to let go. it's time to leave the balancing act up to You. again. you'd think I could get that through my head. but I haven't yet. Lord, have mercy - on me, on them.