rumpled reflection.

It's New Years day.
  I'm getting ready to be with the Body, though I'll show up late...

Brushing my teeth and combing my hair,

I look in the mirror.
I don't like everything I see.

   What we put into our lives, shows up -
Too much coffee, not enough sleep or veggies,
  the unkempt heap of papers on my desk and clothes in the back of the closet,
   plus effects of wine & bread & cheese, and not enough: gym-time, walk-time, get-out-and-run-even-though-you-hate-it time.  And that's just the exterior stuff.

This is a tough moment.
  because I remember what it feels like to hate this rumpled girl in the mirror.
   I'm afraid of the lines and wrinkles,
  the messy desk, the dishes to be done,
      and the well padded-corners - the droops that muscle has now gone extinct. 

I'm afraid of what this relfection might tell:
              that I didn't try; that while my focus was elsewhere this happened.

I sigh.

I don't want this fear anymore.  Because fear will motivate you for all of the wrong reasons.
           It will destroy you,
         just when you think you've secured victories. 
You'll find you're just standing upon a heap of filthy lies - with a false mirror, trying hard to make believe it's real.  And becoming even harder with hate.


Lord have mercy.  Transform me with Your love,
      so that in the rumply reflection there is find love not fear mirrored back - hope, not despair, freedom not hate.


To Him who has come, and who is able, be all glory & honour of 2012.  Amen.